You guys know the deal with this. You ramble; I bite. Please keep the brilliant correspondence coming.
Your column [on bowel movements in a relationship]
was both funny and engaging. You should be aware that this phobia is a
pretty uniquely feminine issue. Guys have no problems talking about it
or even blasting the bowl noisily and odiferously in adjacent stalls.
Dutch ovening (if you’re not familiar with the term, Google it) with
significant others is a not-uncommon occurrence, either. We men do
discuss, however, the fact that it’s frequently difficult to picture or
imagine women (especially the lovely, petite, shy, and demure things)
doing the deed. If you can bypass your aversion to potty humor, you
should check out poopreport.com. These are endless (and often
surprisingly beautifully written) tales of people’s personal,
hilarious, and embarrassing moments on the subject. Apparently they are
a part of human nature.
Hot Shit
Dear Hot Shit,
I
wonder if the age-old practice of men tormenting women with their
flatulence and bowel movements has any correlation with what you call a
“uniquely feminine issue.” Call it a hunch, but I suspect it wasn’t a
chick who first ripped one and then trapped her helpless lover beneath
a blanket of its gaseous warmth, à la Dutch Oven. When it comes to
theories on homosexuality, mine is more along the lines of nature
versus torture. But I swear the ex-boyfriend who used to ignite his
farts for amusement had nothing to do with it.
PS: I made a donation on poopreport.com to help bring toilets to girls in rural India. That’s nice.
I
am interested in hearing your thoughts on [age disparity in
relationships] when it comes to a long-term relationship. My girlfriend
is 11 years older than me. We have been together for eight years. I was
22 and she was 33 when we met. For the first four to five years, we had
a very healthy sex life (three to four times a week). I am now 30 and
really just reaching my sexual peak, but she does not seem to have the
same drive as she used to. When we do have sex the quality is still
there but the frequency is down to maybe two to three times a month. We
always joke about me finding someone younger. I surely do not want a
relationship with anyone else, but I do still find her as attractive
and lust for her the same as when we met. But now she says she can’t
handle me anymore and sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable with her
grunting and groaning because I feel like I am hurting instead of
pleasing her. Any thoughts or ideas on what we can do to spice it up?
Should I take our joke seriously and find someone to fulfill my needs?
Hungry Like the Wolf
Dear Hungry Like the Wolf,
So,
your cougar has lost her bite? I suspect this lethargy has less to do
with age and more to do with the catatonic state into which couples can
slip after extended periods of time together. When’s the last time you
dressed up like a robber and ravaged her like an unsuspecting victim?
Or let her handcuff you naked to the stove whil she cooked with hot
oils? My suggestion would be to infuse some creativity into your sexual
escapades, however infrequent they might be. I would not abandon what
sounds like a good relationship to seek sex with someone younger, who
could prove disappointing and empty. And don’t forget that your woman
could prove she’s still got teeth and bite you in the ass by finding
someone younger herself.
Any clubs/bars/cafés I can go to
just to hang out and meet some nice women? I had a girlfriend in high
school and then in college but everything was a big secret. Throw in a
few boyfriends in the mix and I’m just all over the place. Polyamorous,
maybe that fits me best. I haven’t come out, but I want to experience
the first kiss against a woman’s soft, pouty lips that taste like a
Maui martini.
Curious Concoction
Dear Curious Concoction,
Here’s a tip: eat your lipstick and spare yourself the drama.
I
don’t think I would go as far as to say that I have been totally jaded
by relationships gone wrong, but I do feel that trying to meet someone
of substance (or with similar enough interests) puts one right behind
the 8-ball. And the tone of a lot of your pieces reflects that same
sentiment. Secondly, I too feel that in order to be complete as a
person, I have to have the acceptance of all my exes.
“Why wasn’t I good enough? Why was I so easy to cast aside?” I think
that for me it comes to the point that I’m better at taking care of
someone else than taking care of myself, so when I’m alone I become
lost and a bit melancholy. I’ve had some long relationships for a guy
of 28, and I’m sure that the thing I miss most is the intimacy,
closeness, and the ability to really look out for another person. I’m
single now, can you tell?
Dr. McDreary
Dear Dr. McDreary,
If
you did for yourself even half of what you do for those you’re
pursuing, you’d probably be an irresistible catch. But it’s somehow
less attractive to fret over making scented origami donkeys when you’re
only giving them to yourself. Wait a minute! Have you considered the
nursing profession to cure this caretaker ailment of yours? Think about
it: you’d be the only straight dude surrounded by hot, young, caring
women with associate’s degrees. And I do believe it’s impossible not to
appear wellendowed in scrubs. Clooney spent about 42 years of his
career in them, and the guy’s nailed everything with a detectable
pulse.
I kind of made a resolution to stop fooling around
with girls whom I knew weren’t the ones. One of the two girls I was
hanging out with last fall would qualify more as a “the one.” The other
one I dumped a couple weeks later, but she called me a couple days
later and we have been hanging out since then. But I need to break it
off with her. She is a soft talker, so everything she says I have to
say, “What’s that?” or “Say again?” and it is driving me crazy. I tried
eHarmony and what a scam that is! You spend three goddamn hours filling
out that stupid survey! I got ONE hot girl. Since that time, every girl
that eHarmony has thought is my type is SOOOO not my type. I know this
is mean, but 99 percent of the women that eHarmony has tried to set me
up with have been absolutely AWFUL!!!
Out of Tune
Dear Out of Tune,
At
this age, I’m learning that you’ve got to let the tiny, nagging traits
slide in light of regular and frequent sex. Besides, in no time, you’ll
be thanking that soft talker for sparing you the need to tell her to
shut up. As for the eHarmony thing, why anyone would take dating advice
from a guy who looks like an erect Stephen Hawking is completely beyond
my comprehension.
Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer whose box likes to be stuffed with mail. Send your letters to jeannieg@comcast.net.
