Sex

There is a simple mantra in my relationship lately: “No fighting.” It has nothing to do with the occasional fit of rage or emotional flare-up. It came about to reduce the animated sparring matches that erupt in restaurants upon the delivery of the bill, when each of us break into a martial-arts routine to prevent the other from picking up the tab.

Our exhaustion from this game led to the “no fighting” declaration. Now whoever utters it first wins the check.

Most people can only dream of fighting over such generosity. The truth is, it’s rarely this agreeable and equitable. I speak from experience. More often than not, I’ve been the financial underdog in my relationships. This current one is no exception, with its juxtaposition of excess and want. The image of my antique bicycle in the back seat of her convertible pretty much says it all.

Let’s face it, folks: we live in a world where the first utterance upon meeting someone is, “What do you do?” — which is a polite way of asking someone how much money they make. But with the economy in the shitter and money on everyone’s mind, it isn’t just misguided dreamers like myself who are worried about their wallets. Lately I’m hearing from more and more people about the stress that money is adding to their relationships: the self-employed partner battling with her more stably employed counterpart; the executive wishing his stay-at-home wife would recognize his stress and consider a part-time job; the CEO who just wants someone to take her out to dinner for a change. This is a time when matters of the purse may soon trump matters of the heart.

Being in relationships with women, I’ve never enjoyed the luxury of chivalrous men who, almost as a mandate, pay for everything. But to be perfectly honest, that societal expectation makes me a bit uncomfortable. I would rather know that someone is footing the bill because he or she is generous, not merely chivalrous. And I detest — yes, detest — women who think tits and a vagina are their coupons for a free ride. Sure, men still outpace us in the salary department, but acting like we deserve to be heaped with cash, or that we are too naïve or stupid to make and manage our own money, only perpetuates the inequity and inferiority that later have us ranting about feeling like commodities.

In same-sex relationships, those traditional gender roles are stripped away and you’re left to weigh things based more on personal traits and priorities, not penises. Personally, I have an inherent distrust for situations in which people go Dutch. To me, that expression should mean riding a bicycle while you’re stoned, not halving every expense for fairness. It also communicates an almost obstinate insistence on equity — or a lack of faith that things will even out in the long run through shared responsibility.

Surviving years of this balancing act (often thanks to the amazing generosity of my girlfriends) has helped me create some monetary rules to live by in relationships. This is not some billionaire’s bible, but a guiding set of principles compiled from years of my own — and others’ — mistakes. Employ at your own risk.

My Love Ledger:

•If you invite, you pay.

•If it has to do with your friends or family, it is your commitment/ obligation and you pay. This includes weddings, birthday parties, and the celebration of male children having part of their penis removed.

•If I am involved, you pay.

•Always, always offer. (Then balk later if the miser actually takes you up on it.)

•If it is a first date, pick a place that keeps the costs manageable. The woman is going to expect the guy to pay — this being a determining factor of whether a subsequent date follows — and you don’t want it to cost you $300 for an evening with a gluttonous pig you’ll never see again.

•Ladies, if a guy picks up a dinner tab, pick up some drinks at the next place. Or at least spring for the $12 cab fare to his place.

•If you want to do something that your partner can’t afford, either do it alone or foot the bill with the understanding that it won’t be held over the person’s head for the duration of your relationship.

•If you’re constantly bitching about money to your partner, you’re either cheap or there’s a gross inequity that is probably irreparable and might not actually have money at its root.

•Equal pay might not amount to equal generosity. I know rich misers and overextended poor people. Generosity is rarely associated with the size of a person’s paycheck. Look for the former rather than the latter, unless you’re the shallow, money-grubbing whore I suspect you are.

•If the other person has taken on the financial burden in your relationship, do little things that come from your heart and not your wallet. I won’t bore you with a trite credit-card- commercial analogy, but these gestures really are priceless in the long run.

•If you decide to date someone with a drastically different financial picture than yours, you’re accepting the responsibility that might befall you. Own it (and lease something else to make up the difference).

•If none of these tips work, for God’s sake, get a better job and quit your bitching. There will be millions of things to fight about in your relationship — from incompatible sex drives and annoying eating habits to style discrepancies and in-laws. Those are issues worth donning the gloves for. If you throw your relationship into the ring with money, it will likely end up toothless and spitting blood in a bucket. So as your 401(K) evaporates and your car gets repossessed, be thankful for the understanding and supportive partner at your side. He or she may be all you have left in the end. And remember: no fighting.

Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who accepts donations in her name at jeannieg@comcast.net. She’s curious about how you balance your love ledger.